Guarding My (lonely, horny) Heart

I am writing this because as I sat many times scouring through the internet trying to find ANYTHING remotely close to what I was going through, I didn’t find my EXACT struggle. When you read this post, you’ll find why… it’s shameful and embarrassing. I ask those of you who haven’t experienced the things I’m going to share for grace (and maybe share this with someone you think may need to hear it). For those who have (or are)…. you’re not alone, even though it feels that way.

Proverbs 4:23 Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flow springs of life.

I’ve often wondered what “guarding your heart” meant. How do you practice that concept? I think I have a slight understanding this morning. Guarding my heart is saying, “no thankyou” to a date with someone I know nothing about. It is saying, ” no thankyou” to anything beyond platonic friendship with zero undertones of flirtation or interest. It is saying, “no thankyou” to being strung along by someone you deeply care for who won’t commit. It is making the hard choice to step away from some people completely, and still completely loving them. Guarding your heart is knowing you are not getting treated right, and knowing your value is so much more, and making hard choices to uphold that standard.

I wrote that July 20, 2020 on my FB… going back through reading things to put on my blog and it hit me that I needed to see this again. You’ll read about the struggles I’ve had, as I want to be transparent and hopefully the Lord will use me to help someone else. I’ve gone through so much pain and heartache surrounding this area, and my prayer is that “What the enemy intends for evil, the Lord will use for HIS glory”.

I want to share an encouraging dialog that came from that post,

S: The Spirit of God has blessed you, and given His daughter insight beyond her years!

Me: Spirit of God had some help from daughter spending years being ignorant and making poor choices…

S: But it wasn’t the poor choices that taught you. People make bad choices for decades with no intention of stopping; they just whine and blame everything else BUT their choices. You chose, and still choose, to look to Jesus for His guidance, His word, His love. He is PROUD when His children choose Him!

I’ve gotta be real honest with y’all… I feel like a screwup Christian.

Particularly around the area of relationships.

MORE particularly around marriage,

and SEX.

This is officially my very first post on my page… so I haven’t had a chance to sit and write my testimony yet, but I’ll give an overview of this topic.

I gave my life to Christ June 21, 2015. One of the MAJOR factors that made me seek the Lord was being lonely and wanting a companion. I got married within a few months of being born-again to a man I met on Instagram around the same time (and we hadn’t met in person, our dating had been through video). BIG MISTAKE. I was divorced within 2 years AND I had a baby with special needs in tow now. As much as I wanted to wait until I was married again to have sex, and I had every intention of setting appropriate boundaries, I fell. Twice over the course of 4 years.

Not twice as in one-night-stands, but 2 relationships that I chose to give in to the temptation rather than running from it. I’m about to be 30, and my hormones and libido are not doing me any favors in this.

I want to wait on the Lord, I want to honor Him, I want Him to write my love story…

but to be honest, I’m scared.

I’m scared it won’t ever happen. I’m scared I have screwed up too much for the Lord to redeem that part of my life. I’m scared I’ll never know what it’s like to be valued and adored by “the one whom my soul loves”. I don’t know what it’s like to have a man pursue me in a God-honoring way. Especially because the men I am attracted to are old enough that they’ve lived their own rough lives and I haven’t met any who value marriage like I do. Who are willing to intentionally wait for physical intimacy to grow a good foundation of a relationship, a friendship.

Who will LEAD us.

I WANT SEX. Not just to get off, I want the intimacy. I want the cuddles, the hair strokes, the forehead kisses, the talks and giggles afterwards. I want to watch his chest rise and fall and listen to him snoring.

I want to get the enormous blessing of washing my husband’s dirty laundry, cooking for him, enjoying life together. Even the disputes and the submitting to what I may not agree to.

What if His will IS for me to remain single the rest of my life. I have come to terms with that possibility, and if that is what is in my best interest, and will glorify the Lord most, I want Him to put that desire within me, or put the other desires at rest so it isn’t a constant battle. I don’t want to fight the Lord!

Until He does something, anything, I have to constantly lay these things before Him.

So, how have I grown through these things?

One thing He has taught me through my own poor choices, and through parenting my own child, is thanksgiving.

1 Thessalonians 5:16–18

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

I have learned to come to the Lord with thanksgiving rather than complaining (first). I am learning to praise Him “in the middle of the storm” because I know His way and His will is best and higher than mine. I don’t understand it. I don’t like it. I AM upset about it… but I know it’s true.

When I am doing something for my son, or keeping him from something I know wouldn’t be good for him, I can’t stand when he wines and complains about it. I would much prefer him to say thankyou and then ask for what he wants from me. I’m usually much more receptive to that approach.

The Lord is dealing with me in the same manner. Maybe even (hopefully) training me to some day be a wife with these lessons.