Why God decided to give me a child is beyond me.
I, like a lot of “millennials”, never wanted children. I never played with baby dolls, I never dreamed of having a family one day, and I even went as far as attempting to get surgery to prevent pregnancy as soon as I was legally able to do so.
The Marine Corps told me for the 4 years I served that I wasn’t old enough to make that decision. The doctors said I would change my mind one day and regret it. They said that I needed to be 28 or have already birthed 2 kids before they would give me the surgery.
Why God decided to give me a child is beyond me
but I’m glad He did.
Woh, woh, woh…. but doesn’t the title say, “I HATE BEING A MOM”?
I am writing this because that’s what I searched on all the platforms I could for the past 4 years wondering if I was the only one who felt that way. Guess what I found… probably the same thing as you did… not much.
Or I found things of moms who just had hard times but most of the time they loved their kids, or that they were just going through post-partum depression… I didn’t find people admitting what I just did.
You see, it’s a shameful thing to admit. We feel icky, out of place, alone, and DESPERATE. We can’t say it out loud for fear that CPS will be called on us.(Which I have had happen for trying to connect and get help for my emotions about motherhood. Most people, I found, just didn’t understand. They somehow equated the feelings I dealt with, with the potential to harm my child.)
For those of us in the church, it makes us feel like we’re not “good Christian women”. Shouldn’t we desire to have babies? Or at the very least shouldn’t we enjoy the “gift” that apparently kids are to us?
And if you’re reading this because you searched the same title, you probably don’t want to feel this way.
Why should our kiddos suffer because of the internal war we are fighting? Oh how I WISH I enjoyed motherhood! Some moms seem to have it so easy, they play with their babies, they rock them and read to them and there is this beautiful bond that we just can’t seem to experience. I want to give my son the experience that I never got because my mom didn’t really want me either.
But you’re not a bad mom for feeling the way you do. ESPECIALLY, dear reader, when we are single parents. Or married but have unsupportive or abusive partners. Whatever situation you find yourself in, I just want you to know you are not the only one.
We have a lot on our plates. And then comes along this little human that is so ungrateful and does nothing but TAKE, TAKE, TAKE…. and then complains about it!
For 4.5 years, I tried so hard to find joy in motherhood, and I found myself resenting my child for simply existing and effecting my life. I tried all the tips and tricks I was told.
Just “choose joy”, decide to smile, decide to enjoy it… I tried counseling, therapy, parent-child coaching, praying and asking to enjoy it… you name it, I tried it. I wanted so badly to build a good, healthy relationship with him!
Until one day something hit my heart like a ton of dynamite and I found myself in a girlfriend’s kitchen crying and calling his dad asking if I could pick him back up for the day.
Part of my personal struggle, is that I want a companion, I want a friend, I want someone in my life that sticks by my side and I can enjoy life with. Someone that appreciates the things I do for them.
I realized, by the grace of God, that maybe His gift to me, IS this child.
I went through so much trauma with his dad, and with the pregnancy and the birth, that a lot of this was residual effects. (My son was born with special needs, which made everything that much more complicated.)
My son can never replace a husband, and it is not his place to play that type of role… but he does want to be my friend. He wants to play with me, and help me, and follow me everywhere and do everything I do… my goodness this boy LOVES me! What a gift that really is!
Why God gave me a child, is beyond me…but I am SO glad He did.
But Lord, please no more, ok?