Testing God

Waiting to See Fulfillment of His Promises

While waiting to see the Lord fulfill His promises, it’s not just me being tested… I’m also testing Him.

"Your promises have been thoroughly tested; that is why I love them so much."
Psalm 119:140

Will you really give me the desires of my heart? Lord, will you really do what you have said? Is there really going to come a time that I can say, the LORD did this and my waiting was not wasted? Will the pain and agony I have had to endure be not for nothing?

Will you.. will you… will you…

I find myself having this conversation with the Lord often. By conversation, I don’t mean dialogue. I have a tendency to come to Him, thrashing about in a panic when loneliness hits me and these questions resurface.

Yes, I mean literally panicking. As I am writing this, my eyes are bloodshot from all the crying and pouring my heart out I’ve been doing, and I am thoroughly exhausted. (Although, I have learned to come to Him with an attitude of praise and thanksgiving, while yet not understanding.)

Much like I do with my own son, He waits until I’m done and then tells me to listen and proceeds to soothe me with “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding..” Philippians 4:7

Sometimes.

Other times, I “hear” nothing at all. Sometimes there is no sense of peace, but a perseverance within my own spirit that I know I just have to keep going and wait.

Because really, what other option do I have? I’ve gone against His ways, caused heartache for myself, and always regretted it.

Can I be completely honest?

(As if I do things any other way.)

My loneliness and my yearning to be a wife and that being unfulfilled has brought me thoughts of suicide more than anything else in my life. The only thing stopping me, is my fear that it wouldn’t work and that I would be permanently disfigured or paralyzed.

Wait, did she just admit that as a Christian woman?!

You see, as a follower of Christ, I know I don’t belong in this world. I look forward to death. Yes, it is absolutely a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but I’m sure most of you who have dealt with this level of loneliness understands to some extent.

So yes, testing the Lord is biblical and I certainly am doing it.

Lord, I am waiting to see you fulfill your promises… but I don’t like it, not one bit!

What are you still waiting to see fulfillment of His promises for? What are you testing Him for?